the man who eats his nerves
Hey, listen to me , there is a serious problem here, oh I know you are going to ask me one thousand questions and stop me every minutes, let me tell you what happened here…
First of all I have to say I’m in the hell , yes the real one but it’s not too much bad as you think , I mean hell is hell, nothing more but the problem is there is a big chaos here. Yes I’m talking about a real chaos. Honestly I arrived yesterday and everything was normal like a normal life in hell but suddenly , bad luck , this morning God died. Don’t ask me how cause I really don’t know. All I know is God died and now everyone is panic. They don’t know what will happen next. There is no one who can fix and organize everything. Keep it as a secret even the Satan was crying this morning. I don’t know about your place but here is a big chaos.
I was a normal man, I mean a normal one like others. A man who had love in his life , and was living because of his love … a happy life, the kind of life that are similar to the colorful advertisements in newspapers or on the billboards beside the highways. The life with big smiles with happy faces with making love really hot … the kind of life that you never ever imagine an end for that. I was such a kind of man with that kind of life.
Maybe you ask so what I am doing in hell in this chaos right now! I can start my story from earlier. During the normal life – I mean the happy , colorful one – there are some moments, when you are alone and you think. Everybody has these kind of moments that want to think about everything and everything and evaluate everything and just want to be sure if he or she is really , truly happy . In the beginning I thought it’s some kind of betraying to the life, to the happiness , but after a while I decided to do that. I mean I didn’t do it consciously, the only thing I can remember is it was a rainy afternoon and I was alone home sitting in the kitchen drinking a coffee and smoking walking around in my mind. I was thinking what my real dream was about my future when I was young or younger. I start to find myself , maybe discover is a better word for it . I was drinking the coffee without sugar and was trying to convince myself if I am happy with my life. At first it was fun, remembering every single moment in past , the parents, the school time, the first love or maybe the first kiss, it was fun to remember the old habits the old friends. I was searching my mind for hidden memories, my dreams …
You know forty nine years ago the first man walked on the moon , I was watching the documentary movie about it on TV , the first man who walked on the moon, shacked hand to me, I was staring on the first man thinking about my dreams … the girl was walking around the house complaining about the mass in kitchen , in living room . I smiled to the first man on the moon , he was trying to fix the US flag on the moon , she was trying to find the other pair of my socks , I was thinking about running away . the man was trying to walk normally but he was jumping in a funny way , I smiled to that funny effort, she shouted on me that i could put the fucking dishes in the dish washer. the first man asked me fucking dishes? I answered her shut up in my mind , i was staring on TV ,the happy first man who was walking on the moon happily ,i started betraying her again and again in my mind , which made my nerves to stretch from here to there from this leg to another one , came to my mouth , went down to my stomach , surrounded my heart came back to my mind and I was in the middle of nowhere with some stretched, chewed nerve and I wanted to keep betraying her in my mind every time and she was just keep complaining about the normal happy life I mean the colorful one. The first man stopped and said shut up to her , he said she is eating his nerves , I told him she was eating my nerves also and I was doing the same, the first man cried and confessed he was doing the same with his nerves . he said that trip to moon was really hard and he is not happy walking on the moon to be the first idiot and he preferred to had a normal happy colorful life like others in advertisements . She start shouting that I didn’t care about her , she said I have no responsibility about life. I was with a pretty girl in my mind robbing a bank and escaping for a dream island and she was crying and throwing my one pair of sock away and I was kissing the girl after robbing the bank and we were happy together .the man was pretending to walk on the moon happily , he was pretending shaking hand for the whole world, making the whole other normal people happy for conquering the moon finally and destroying the virginity , she went to kitchen started crying and smoking and I was thinking of buying a nice boat with the money and travelling around with the girl . the first man said he wanted a boat also and he cried again . I kissed the girl again and she was crying in the kitchen and shouted she is leaving me again . the first man said go to hell , I repeated go to hell , she said go to hell .
Now I’m telling you … don’t care about my story ,I’m in the real hell , warm, crowded, God is dead , here is a big chaos , think about yourself.